I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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