I haven't been this sober since birth.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
