I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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