I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
