You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
