I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
