if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
