Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
