i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
