oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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