My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
