In America we eat man semen.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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