you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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