plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
