I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
