Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
