I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
