my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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