Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
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If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
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Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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