I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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