i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
