we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
