I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Congratulations! We have a period
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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