I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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