Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
