I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
