so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
