He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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