I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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