whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
