two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
