Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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