How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
