maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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