This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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