Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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