Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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