I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
