Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
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we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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