Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
