you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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