I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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