11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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