Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
