Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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