I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
