Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
