that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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