There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
