my phone needs a breathalizer
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
