Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wish you could order shots online.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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