My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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