i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
and you fell through a lawn chair
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
