That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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