Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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